Things got more serious for Ray and I and we decided it would be best to stop counseling. We knew what we were doing was blatantly wrong in and the idea of meeting at the church wasn’t appealing anymore. We communicated mostly by text messaging from that point on. A great deal of our relationship developed via texts.
Occasionally we would meet somewhere for 10 or 15 minutes but other than that we didn’t see one another. It was very risky to meet anywhere for fear that someone would see us together. I had begun looking for another church to attend and my attendance at our church was almost non-existant. I was in the chior and taught a class in Sunday School so I went when I was needed but I didn’t stay for sermons.
Eventually I would resign from my postiton in Sunday School using my pending divorce as an excuse. My husband’s family church was there and they assumed it was a legitimate reason for me to go. Only I knew it was wrong for me to continue in a leadership role when I was knee deep in sin.
It wouldn’t take long after that for Ray to tell me that he loved me. I wasn’t 
sure he knew what he was saying. I knew he believed he cared for me and he craved the attention I was giving to him. But love? Really? He had to be confused. Even as wrong and sinful as it was I secretly wanted it to be true.
This is where I add my disclaimer. “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!” I am sharing my story in the hopes that someone out there will read it and gain something from it. What I fear the most is that someone will assume that I am condoning our behavior or trying to paint a lovely picture of a fairytale lovestory. That couldn’t be farter from the truth. There was no excuse for our behavior and many people were hurt and betrayed by us.
What Ray and I did is wrong. If someone in the same situation as we were in came to me and asked for advice I would never recommend that they do anything other than repent. What we did is not something to be admired. However, after all that has happened I have learned more about love and grace than I ever knew existed and I would extend that grace to anyone who reached out to me in their time of need.
Now back to the story.
After a few days of texting back and forth about the issue we decided we needed to meet. We had to talk about this before it got any more out of control. It was devestating me because I felt like he didn’t know what he was doing to me by using the word “love”. I believed his intentions were good but there was no way this man could sacrifice everything he had worked his whole life for over an emotional relationship with me.
I don’t know what I was hoping for throughout the whole thing up to this point. What was I to expect from a man who was a husband and a father? Not only was he obligated to his wife and kids but he was obligated to a congregation of God’s people. He was commanded to exhibit Holy behavior as a church leader. I guess I just lived day to day and hoped to be content with the little bit of wonderful he brought into my life each day. I knew all of it was wrong but I kept pushing that to the back of my mind.
When he started to tell me that he loved me, that’s when things took a 
turn. I had also started to want more than I could have of him and I knew had to end it. What was I thinking? Why was I investing in an impossible relationship with a man I could never have? Why was he bent on continuing on this path of destruction? More importantly where was God in all of this? I didn’t have the answer to any of these questions but I was asking them.
